2008

Last night someone tried to start a sentence with "If the Democrats were smart...". I had to stop him cold. Let me make that point quickly. John Kerry. It was incomprehensible to me how anyone walked away from those primary debates thinking this man had anything but height working for him. A common remark at the exit polls was that he looked 'presidential'. I can only surmise that to have meant- tall and grotesque, like Abraham Lincoln. The hunting jacket did nothing at all to humanize him. If the Democrats have gotten any smarter in the last four years, they're keeping it a big secret. They stand to win this time around because swing voters have had time to realize their supreme blunder. What will most likely play out before our eyes this year will haunt us all with it's familiarity. Success would look a lot like the mid-term, a voting out of the ins more so than moving toward a cohesive platform. Iowa and New Hampshire will pretend to carefully weigh the issues and then line up behind the one who can best state the obvious and flip pancakes at the same time. We'll all just have to wait and see the effect, if any, of the new batch of early west state primaries. This time around Hillary is cast as the not-so-left Howard Dean, with Barrack playing 'clean and articulate' John Edwards, and John Edwards playing John Kerry, only with a wife that doesn't scare people. The Hillary balloon will burst, Barrack will implode, and Edwards' message of "Hoep" will probably seduce the yokels. If that sounded like a prediction, I'm sorry. My pessimism is based on the fact that this is the party that couldn't even make a win stick. I have less concern for who wins either nomination, or the general election for that matter than I have for the massive 'undo' the next [I will predict- one term] administration will face. The mess we presently find ourselves in is unfixable without a time machine. Even if Joe Biden or Ron Paul could, they'll never get the chance to prove it. Neither will I, but here's my plan anyway. First, join a North American Union, three heads have got to be better than one, and then we wouldn't need fences- we have a moat. There is no such thing as a national identity that isn't the most unimaginative of us trying to preserve their own comfort level. At this point we need to be seen as bland yet viable, irrepressible yet civil, something our neighbors might help us with. Texas could be it's own little hold-out, like the Vatican City. Universal health care. Call it socialism if you want, but I would call it an investment. I don't have a research assistant to guide me through this but aren't drugs that produce side-effects like abdominal cramps and fetal injury the sort of thing the FDA should not approve? I've personally seen some of the talking points used at conventions of pharmaceutical salesmen and there's little evidence there to support humanitarian goals. It might be time to redirect the 'war on drugs'. Guns and gays, isn't it clear that social issues are black holes at the federal level and the last thing anyone should use to test a presidential hopeful. Civil liberties are already provided for in the Constitution, they just haven't been deciphered to everyone's satisfaction yet. Speaking of habeas corpus, let's come up with an ambitious schedule of wreath-laying and toll plaza openings to keep our next Vice-President busy. But first let's address the election process. Start with simple things like making it impossible for a State election commissioner to work on a particular candidate's campaign. Maybe we could use some of this satellite technology and just take a show of hands. It may sound a little loosey-goosey but calling convicted felons, servicemen overseas, and people without hands a wash, I seriously doubt many electoral votes will hinge on a margin of six hundred people again. In any case, do-overs would be a simple matter. Even if a fair election were guaranteed, I have only a wisp of confidence in any of the current line-up of candidates. Conventional wisdom (certainly an oxymoron) would point to the person you'd want to have a beer with, but I think I'll start with 'don't hate their guts' and grope carefully toward 'listen to for more than ten minutes without rolling my eyes'. 'Electability' is a trash concept- if you didn't used to think so, you should now. Intelligence and the experience to assimilate reliable information into a carefully measured plan are the virtues I'll be looking for. Being able to steer through the superfluities of a campaign without further lowering the bar will count for a lot. (If Howard Dean can't come through with some tactical defense I'll come down there and make him scream again!) Meanwhile the party has to sell that plan, which should be carefully confined to the big picture politics of world diplomacy, fair trade, and social services with a proven record of effectiveness. Most of the other issues people are rightly concerned about would benefit from a renewed focus on responsible global policies and carefully targeted domestic spending. (Duh!, I'm still writing in the hypothetical here, can you tell?). To state that you are for education and against taxing the middle class is not a platform, it's a sleeping pill. As are the words 'hope', 'values', and 'accountability'. I'd like to see a little moxy. Gravels got it and deep down I'm sure one of the non-lunatic candidates has it too. It's time to can the platitudes and get creative, if only for the purpose of eliminating the phrase 'in harm's way' (Danger?, Peril?, Deep Ca-ca?, it's not that hard!). And can we just borrow a term from Benjamin Franklin and call all of the criminal mis-steps of the current administration "self-evident" and get past spinning our wheels investigating them. They're way ahead of us on ever being held accountable. Let's tax the greedy, rich and poor alike. That should fill the coffers and still leave free-enterprise intact. Let's let our volunteer military decide if they want to stay or not. It would add poignancy to Rumsfeld's statement about working with the military that you've got. And [does it need saying] let's not depose any more dictators. They will be displaced in their own time and it won't cost us a rial. One last thing, and I'll slap myself now for saying it. If the Democrats were smart, they would debate in pairs, you know, how it's really done? This game show format doesn't help anyone. I'll even pair them up. Hillary with Dodd, Obama with Kucinich, Edwards with Gravel, and Biden with Richardson. Give the losers a can of Turtle Wax and send them on their way.