cover letter

Dear [undecipherable from your e-mail address],
I am an energetic and highly-motivated individual [with all the time in the world to sift through blind leads] for challenging work [with the next company who will suck that last bit of energy from me]. From my start in this business [when you were busy pooping in diapers] I have been able to distinguish myself [hand-holding for a bunch of nervous nellies] and have proven my ability to deliver an un-compromised product [despite tragically misguided budget cuts]. My vast experience with [hopelessly misinformed] clients and [their delusional time-lines] uniquely qualifies me to [point out what you should have told them to begin with]. I have a wide range of [obsolete] skills and a great desire to mentor [my eventual replacement]. My particular strength for [being one of the few people on your staff to give a damn] and for [routinely saving all your asses] has never failed to [pit your immediate subordinate against me]. I am confident that I can provide your company with [credit to steal] and [a scape-goat for your worst blunders]. If you are looking for a [magic pixie] who will [work for less than what you pay your dry cleaner] then please consider me for this [wildly over-reaching job description]. I look forward to an opportunity to demonstrate [how far I will ingratiate myself for the vaguest job offering] and sincerely hope that you [have the slightest understanding of the position you seek to fill]. Please do not hesitate to [treat this inquiry as if it were wholly unsolicited] or to [provide a clue that you have even read my resume].
Yours [with ever-lowering expectations], [You, one day]