dear santa,

I’ve composed my wish list for this year and hope that what you can’t make good on will be passed along to someone who can- baby Jesus; Rupert Murdoch, I know you’re connected. I have been generally nice, even on the occasions when I have slipped into light naughtiness. But who makes those calls anyway, "Judge not, lest ye be judged", I always say.
So here goes:
1- Gospel-specific Nativity scenes.
2- Viable late entries to the field of Democratic candidates.
3- An immediate recall of food items which follow this pattern; Pop’ems, Grab’ems, Snack’ems, Chew’ems...
4- A sound-proof booth wherein to spin this glistening web of profundity.
5- Global amnesia on the topic of Brittany Spears.
6- The chemical marriage of ibuprofen and caffeine.
7- Wider literacy.
8- AA batteries, enough of them to power the other half of our household too.

We’re thinking of going with an artificial, pre-lit tree this year, so don’t be alarmed. (I now believe I can hear the freshly cut versions crying for justice). One more thing- my son wants an ‘I Pod Nano’(?). I have no idea what it is and suspect I can’t afford it (actually, Christmas came early for us this year. I just paid off last winter’s heating bill), but if you could just tell him it was making your elves sick and you stopped making them, I could save a bit of face. Thanks. The bourbon and cookies will await you, as usual.

Yours With Breathlessly High Expectations, Smack Dab