Buzzed

Suppose that twenty or thirty years from now someone were to write a musical employing all the saccharin icons of the 'aughts'(a la 'Grease'). How will they manage to cast that wispy gauze of nostalgia across the current brew of pop culture, itself in a search to recapture the Bradyesque naivete of simpler times. We need not wait till then. I present my rough outline for 'Buzzed- A Preemptive Musical Assault On The New Millennium'. Act One. Scene- Lantana High, the 10th reunion of the Class of '07. An inspirational warm-up speech is delivered by class valedictorian, Quaat Ooling. Flashback to the metal detectors at the front entrance. The Company, six obese and four anorexic thirty-somethings cavort as they imagine teenagers do delivering the first production number, 'He "Yo"ed Me In Rehab, And I "Yo"ed Him Right Back'. Tableau ending. Dialog- 'The Belly Gurls' are introduced to Blythe, an ashen Goth who could step through a coat hanger only as far as the hair. She speaks of her latest crush, Josh, whom she met at the Out-Patient Clinic. She had captured his imagination by feigning interest in an abstinence pamphlet. Scene- Dialog- Josh (think Kevin Federline) holds court with his boyz, 'The Hoodies', regaling them with ribald stories about the "fresh piece of gash" with whom he is smitten. Song- 'I'm Takin' That!'. Scene- The Belly Gurls are having a hen fest at Lexus' house, they initiate Blythe to the sublime pleasure of raw cookie dough and blueberry vodka. Someone produces a bag of raw carrots and girlish party games ensue. Song- 'Text Me!' Waiting until the other girls are packed into the bathroom piercing each others labiae, Dexie escapes out of the window to meet a cab. Scene- Dexie arrives outside of 'Muffins 'N More' waiting for her 'boyf', VanBuren, to get off work. Song- 'The Muffin Man'(he sings playfully in his 'Barney' voice). They drive off in his Kia Sedona to meet the other boys who have assembled in N'Ron's basement to watch 'American Idol'. They abuse chocolated laxative and speak of available credit lines. Song- 'I Gotta Get Me One-A Them' VanBuren lets on his plan to join the National Guard, promising to foward an email address as soon as he is settled in volcano-ravaged Hawaii. Song- 'Bye, Bye, BEOG' Scene- The Hoodies meet The Belly Gurls in the Best Buy parking lot. They pair up, N'Ron with Cashe, Thrill-A with Lexus and Mo'neek. Neil and Bob awkwardly settle into a discussion of third generation Nascar competitors. Dexie sings 'Iraq My Heart Over You'. Blythe takes umbrage with Josh over his 'Big Bottomed Girls' ring tone. Entire Company sings- 'Hopelessly Desensitized [To You]'. Act Two- Scene- Prom Night. 'Hillary-ous' [to the tune of 'Hail To The Thief'] is sung by the Company as they choose partners for the 'how low will you go' dance contest. Blythe [sporting a new foam 'fanny'] laments her estrangement to Josh in song- 'I'm Venus, He's A Martian'. Josh and his hastily acquired revenge date, Cha-Cha LaRue (in a cameo role [and also packing foam]), win the contest with their free-form dance interpretation of the political posturing of Independent, Joe Lieberman. Scene- Outside of Taco Bell. Blythe and Josh explore their deepest inner rumblings in the duet 'Is It Love, [Or Is It The Ecoli]'. Scene- Party at Cashe's father's twenty-car storage facility called, endearingly, the 'Garage Mahal'. Dexie relates her nearly successful attempt to purchase firearms on-line and muses on running away to become a Canadian pharmacist. Cashe sings 'Daddy's Little Secret S-Corporation'. Thrill-A brings the scene to a climax with his 'No Hands' dance method of car polishing. All join in. Scene- Outside of Appleby's. Blythe debuts her completed transformation with a new Britany Spears haircut and factory-wrinkled wardrobe. Song- 'Slack Is The New Black'. Her rotund retinue sport strappy high-heels, petal pushers, and bared navel bling. Josh and the boyz are outfitted in a fetching melange of faux army surplus, licensed NBA court apparel, and knitted Aspen skull-cosies. Blythe and Josh reprise their 'Is It Love, [Or Is It The Concerta] duet. The entire Company joins them, seguing into the spirited 'All Hopped Up'. They break from another tableau and launch into the Finale, 'Buzzed- You're The One That's Better Than The Last One'. Curtain. I'll probably have to tweak this a bit, in the remaining three years more stuff is bound to 'go down'. We might wake up tomorrow and discover that Joe Lieberman isn't funny anymore. Who smells a Tony.