serial smartalec

This is what facebook has turned me into. Hopping from wall to wall, depositing my little 'bon mot's hither and tither. (I hear the words 'pre-existing condition' faintly in the tumbling dryer) The opportunity to comment on the lives and itty chat of my fifty or so [close] friends has proved irresistible- and I crack myself up. Like this one to a comment referencing a well-know Clinton'is'm; 'Get back here and wipe this blue-baiting, political turd off my wall!' Or this one to a friend who expressed insecurity with the fb challenge being circulated to list 25 things about yourself that people may not know about you; "google 'Wilhelm Reich character armor' ". I suppose this challenge is to prepare one's self for the Barbara Walters Special Report we all know we deserve. So here are mine. I;

1. have many shoes, buy many shoes, but can only really appreciate shoes on other people.


2. hate praise because I don't think people really know what they're talking about.


3. only wear sunglasses so I can look where I don't want to be caught looking.


4. part my hair dependent on whether I am to be the driver or the passenger.


5. rank correct punctuation over having a good heart.


6. care doodily-squat about 'art'.


7. am quietly jealous of almost everyone.


8. absolutely DO wash my hands frequently during food preparation. I wanted you to know.


9. feel bad when I pull an asshole move in traffic. Something else is in control.


10. just found out that in near sixty years of marriage, my mother has NEVER known my father to have vomited. I'm heavily impressed.


11. have vomited few times myself', almost always tractable to the consumption of duck eggs.


12. make all of my most embarrassing purchases at the same drug store. What they must think of me!


13. want to die- I'm just not in any great hurry.


14. would ideally subsist on organ meat and crackers.


15. am not afraid to cry, but think I probably cry too much, and now am afraid to cry.


16. have reoccurring dreams about parts of my body falling off.


17. have no greater aspiration than to be the answer to a crossword puzzle clue (three vowels & the coveted 'z').


18. adore being quoted.


19. have what other people call talent, which expressed in monkey terms is no more than a talent for pulling bugs out of fur.


20. hope my children will never leave me alone.


21. have only one word for 'snow', and it's not 'snow'.


22. haven't yet committed to an underwear type.
23. wouldn't be caught dead without eyeliner. To quote my friend Teesh; "What are humans without eye make-up?"
24. can't let it go. Human is an adjective, Teesh, not a noun!
25. think all my facebook friends are amazing people- and that's a testament to me, for sifting through and grunting at all the worthless dullards who mistake me for a smiling guy who would be the requisite smile-and-nodder for all of their narrow experience and damnable opinions .

Here's what it takes to be MY facebook friend; I love the old-fashioned pretense of being introduced- it's how we used to do things before Jerry Springer made it acceptable to shout across two lanes of traffic, "yo!, let me ax you somethin'...". The details of our lives are only slightly available after you've brought us a house-warming gift. User names including the fractional 'boi' are on everybody's radar. And, Profile pictures are key to knowing if old friendships are worth resurrecting. You might think twice about making so deeply a shallow person your own fb friend but consider this; What depth of pedestrian, lunchroom chatter would your wall succumb to without my pithy commentary? Don't answer, the question was rhetorical.