last will and testament

I usually take a moment out of every ten years or so to put something on paper. It's occurred to me that I'm due and a blog seems a happier venue for it than being buried in the junk drawer- so here goes;

I, Smack Dab, being of sound mind and body do hereby bequeath all monies, royalties, dividends, and worldly possessions to my partner of now twenty-eight years, Michael. For reasons known well to him the following exceptions shall apply;
1-My only surviving 'Alf' coffee mug shall be buried with me, along with a well charged cell phone with all speed dial locations programed to my home number- with the specific instruction that someone be at home and awake for at least three days following said interment.
2-"Selected Short Stories, Franz Kafka" should be returned to my father (but I promise I don't have your 'Yodeling Cossacks' LP, or whatever it was you think I have). Jan, you leave a book here every time you babysit- I've tried not to lose your page but they're all around here somewhere. Oh, and if anyone has my "Mozart's Requiem" please see that it is returned, I wouldn't be buried to anything else!
3- Capital One will probably want their car back.

The following provisos are not legally binding, but only encouraged;
1- An essay contest should be held; "My Thoughts On Big Narrow Feet", the winner to receive 40+ pair of assorted 'gently used' size 12 footwear.
2- My youngest son should inherit my opera collection on CD- he might as well find out early on that people with deep voices are out to get him.
3- My oldest son should inherit my "Miss Manners" library, his future first wife would thank me.

As to the actual interment; honestly, wrapped in burlap (if it comes in red or orange), no box, and on (where legal) government land- first choice, in the middle of a traffic circle. I envision a 'drive-by' funeral. Second choice, the ocean- not terribly practical because I would still want to be buried (and 'drive -by' now requires some sort of sea craft). Third choice is a median strip somewhere, but not Florida.

The greatest likelihood is that my marker would be a homemade wooden cross at the I-95/495 split just north of Wilmington, DE. It has been on my 'to do' list for quite some time, but I'd much rather have something cast in concrete with my name, Smack Dab, spelled out in embedded broken green glass - I saw it in the floor of a food court and really loved it. If it's not my gravestone first, it'll be my kitchen counter-top.

Finally, No 'in lieu of...', I want flowers- the less ordinary they are, the more everyone else will know how much you loved me! Save the roses for Valentines Day. I do love (orange) glads so don't feel like you have to spend too much. My favorite are poppies, burn the stems so they'll keep. ( I hate' baby's breath', go with dill weed or tarragon if you're looking for a filler).

Thanks everyone, I had a good run. I hope I live long enough to see them grow fruit with the SKU# already genetically tattooed in the skin, but if not, don't cry for me. My time has not yet come.